How Boundaries can lead to Freedom

Sitting in the sunshine at The Well, masked up, Tammy turned to me and shared how difficult it was for her not to feel responsible for this abundant, thriving community of women.   Responsibility, how much is ours and to whom?

I have always struggled with responsibility. I am the oldest of four girls, so just by birth alone this was going to be a burden for me. I was constantly praised for doing, helping, repairing, bridging.   More than anything, what was not said instilled this desire to appropriate others’ obligations. As a child, you pick up on the silence, the looks, the backwards glances, displeasure. I was prepared to do whatever I could to avoid that. The button of over responsibility had just been installed. 

This behaviour was continuously rewarded during my lifetime. My mom tells a story of how on the first day of kindergarten, I decided to get all the students lined up in a row before exiting the class for recess as I thought the teacher wasn’t organized enough. (Interestingly enough, they all listened!!!) This would be foreshadowing of a long history of taking charge of what was not mine to carry.

I have spent a lot of my life anticipating the needs of people ( some I know, others barely) and then feeling resentful, placing my needs last,  protecting those I love from the consequences of their actions,  manipulating situations and circumstances to save myself and others from pain and most importantly making decisions based purely out of fear so I felt in control of EVERYTHING!

It was exhausting…

Dr. Henry Cloud, clinical psychologist and author of Boundaries, teaches us this fundamental truth.

We are not responsible for others, we are responsible to others.

We are only responsible for ourselves. Let me repeat that We are only responsible for  ourselves.  

That’s right, lay down on a piece of paper and get a family member (someone in your bubble)  to draw an outline of your body like we did as kids, and everything in that outline is your responsibility. As a parent, I can hear the Moms going but what about my kids? Of course, you have a responsibility to care and nurture your children. Here’s the catch. They are also individuals with their own outlines and as they age, so does their need for growth.

When we overstep by telling someone how they feel, what they should do, what they should say or by removing consequences, we are doing them a disservice.

This is like saying to them : “Hey, I don’t think you’re capable of handling things yourself so let me step in and take over.”

I had never thought of all my caretaking, controlling, manipulating, mothering, etc, in that context. As I shifted my perspective, my relationships changed. Full honesty here, the road was rough and gruelling. I found it extremely difficult to mind my own business after years of orchestrating lives. And... so much more free time. 

We are responsible to others by showing compassion, listening, having honest sometimes hard conversations and by being transparent with our own boundaries.

When your life leeches into all of those around you, boundaries are invisible. Those who benefit most from your lack of boundaries will react the loudest when you establish your property lines. Again, this has been a long, sometimes near heart stopping endeavor for me but I have cleaned up my property and become clear on what does and does not work for me. This is evolving and circumstances often dictate reiteration.

It’s so beautiful how Viktor Frankl wraps freedom and responsibility together. 

Embracing responsibility, we accept ownership for what is ours and what is not ours, forgetting fault, therefore we can live in freedom. 

Freedom in responsibility is what I believe we all want and need. 

So, are you like Tammy wanting the blurry edges of responsibility to become clearer? 
Are you like me constantly seeking more direction on how to do the hard things?
Did you also have the button of over responsibility installed at an early age?
Or, did you have a completely different experience with responsibility?

We’d love to hear all about it.

Join us this month as we explore the theme Responsibility at C + C and Working Well.