Uncomfortable conversations

All of January we spoke about Identity, it’s always the way we start the year.Now moving into February we will be working through boundaries, in the theme of Responsibility.Leane has written an amazing blog post, that will be published in the coming weeks, as well as leading February’s Working Well.

(Much of our dialogue and learning is credited to Dr. Henry Cloud, Brene Brown, and Danielle Strickland, as well as their guests on their podcasts and learning resources)

The reason I share this is because of the topic, one we often dread. ‘How to have a Hard Conversation’.

Rather than avoiding and running away due to fear of the other person’s reaction, we want to lean into this and use it as an opportunity to grow deeper in relationship. Just this week I had a really tough convo, it wasn’t planned but was birthed out of my naivety and immaturity. I was called out for a comment that could be interpreted as racist. Is my fragility stopping me from just calling it what it is? Maybe. 

I just need to sit with that for a minute, until my heart rate slows down.

Here’s the thing, I instantly went a little frantic as I feared I was misunderstood.
I didn’t want to be something my heart hates, a racist. 
I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my peers. 
Most of all I didn’t want to be misunderstood, my pride was on the line. 

I am sharing this with permission from the person who called me out, she was brave and it took guts as she listened to her own intuition. I am so proud of her, she knew if she left without saying something she would regret it. 

Was what I said intentionally racist? 
I ask - does it matter? If in any way it felt that way to her, then it was. 

What matters is how we moved forward in this situation. 

We both spoke our truth. We did our best to listen and to understand. We didn’t do it perfectly. There were tears (mine), and we had a good mediator (thanks Mona). In the end I just wanted to have peace with her. She matters to me. I needed forgiveness, which she granted. 

 As I reflected on our conversation, what was said, what did I mean, did I mean that or did I not? 

I just realized how difficult these kinds of interactions are and how necessary it is to do them well. I am so glad Leane is leading us in this topic in February, I know I’m not alone in my need for it. 

In case you are wondering, we both reached out to one another to confirm that our relationship was still ok, or did we need to do more mending, or are we good. 

I was honest that our relationship is all that really matters to me at the end of the day, I can be wrong, I can learn and I can do better. I feel closer to her now than before, this is what happens when we engage in difficult conversations and emerge wiser and stronger on the other side. 

I want to end with a word: 

Tolerance; ‘the ability to disagree with honour and respecting one another’ 

May we be courageous as we enter into hard conversations.