Look Away
I had a conversation with my daughter recently. I paused to swish the topic around and around. She cannot sit with herself. Just sit. Pause. Rejoice in her being. I believe this is an epidemic in much of humanity. It drives many to distractions. Anything to not stop and hear the needs of the heart and the soul. Busy-ness is our compulsion.
Our calendars are full with commitments. Every moment is pressed tightly to the next. Leave no time for breathing, resting, or even more frightening contemplating. We do not want to admit our souls are parched, wanting, wasting. Filled to the brim with social media glamour, glitz for the eye yet a wasteland for the heart. There is no filter we can apply to make the inside look better. How did we come to devalue the softer, sweeter side of life? When did frantic become the badge we wear with pride?
For years, my worth was wrapped around this sense of unattainable frenzy. Faster, more, produce, look effortless, repeat. Run. In circles. Like a show pony. Add more. Balance and twirl those plates in the air Girl. Do not drop ANY. Add alcohol. Coffee. Late nights. Extreme exercise. No time for food. That’s just selfish. Be witty. Charming. Tough yet kind. Charitable. With time and money. Sleep is not necessary. New and shiny. Always SHINNYYYY. No one likes a dull girl.
Busy-ness is our compulsion. Until… you cannot sustain it physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had bankrupt all my resources. I had been warned. Repeatedly. I did what most do, maybe some are smarter and get it quicker. I pushed myself until there was a hollow shell staring at me wearing my features. She was barely breathing. On all fronts. The way I chose to live my life had not served me. That begs the question who was I living my life for?
You see I was so much like my young daughter. Unable to sit in my own skin, I broke myself. I ran away from myself until I was forced to lay my head down for years and stop. Literally stop. I became so ill physically that healing is now my sole focus. That is my job. I cannot piece back together fragments of a shattered being so I realize I must return to the basics and weave the tatters in with new threads. I have been given time to turn all of me inside out and examine my beliefs, desires, expectations, perceptions. In doing so, that tightly held knot of who I was has been forced to unravel. Epically I might add. I’m learning so much about vulnerability, disappointment and resilience. When my body ceased to function, I learned to accept it. It’s only in this tension, that I have learnt acceptance on so many levels. In doing so it’s allowed me to finally extend grace to others and remove the unceasing resentments of expectations.
I continue to struggle daily as my body and mind default to old patterns of perfectionism and voyeuristic beliefs. I believe many women, like myself, dismiss their value. In those greatest moments of insecurities and fear, like a small child praying for courage as those monsters lurk in the closet, I repeat “I am deeply wanted.”
Leane Durand - Business Advisor & Well Coach
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