Renewing a Carefree Spirit

There have been a number of events that have triggered personal reflection in me in the past month. When they occurred, I had no idea they were connected or the cumulative impact they would have. It was like weaving a tapestry having no understanding of the beauty of the design revealed at the completion.

This brings me to renewal. I’ve been given a seismic gift of discovery. I have finally breathed in and pressed deeply into the genuine character assets that have been part of me since my youth. I feel like a dam has broken over a parched plain and the water is soaking into my very essence.

As a beautiful young girl, I was carefree, bold, curious, responsible and a bit bossy! I remember fearlessly trekking across the hills on my farm, so certain of myself and my place in life. My freckled face and sunkissed blonde head were free to dream, take up space, fight when I was being picked on by my boy cousins, and make mistakes. I knew that I had a place in this world, and I didn’t question that I would ever feel differently.

But that changed. I don’t remember when exactly but I do remember these amazing character traits that made me who I was morphed over time. I became too responsible, less bold. My curiosity was squelched as I was told it was inappropriate for a girl to ask those kinds of questions.  It’s difficult to be carefree and worry about everyone and control your environment. These two are polar opposites! 

Over the years, parts of me slipped away and new traits developed or existing ones dominated.  We’ve been conditioned to believe these changes are negative. After years of beating myself up for what I felt were personal failings on my part, a counselor imparted these words of wisdom, “ You did the best you could with what you had at the time.”

I did not live in a silo, these changes had occurred so that I could survive in the circumstances I was facing.

So after 50 years, I’ve received this blessed renewal. That young girl’s character still lives in me and I can finally see it shining again. So many of those extreme traits no longer serve me, so with a lot of work, prayer and program I have let them go. I can recognize that joy-filled, curious, fearless, responsible, carefree and a little bit bossy girl again.