Responsibility and Calling

MEMBER FEATURE WRITTEN BY JODI KOZAN, WELL WOMAN

What do we say yes to and what do we say no to?

 Everyday we are faced with the question: What is my responsibility? We face wrestling matches of our souls each and every day. There are endless emotional responses to daily living, relational challenges and expectations let alone the pressures of our vocation, needs of our community and more broadly, global affairs that are simply out of our control.  Does anyone want to just scream some days knowing that this pandemic has been shaking us up for over a year now? Like it or not, we are faced with choices each day as how to react. 

“Let your yes be yes, and let your no be no”. 

This spiritual truth has been a testing ground for my soul as to where I spend my time, what to do, who to serve or share my life with.

     Growing up in a small city in Northern Minnesota, I was keenly aware of who was generally considered to be a responsible person versus an irresponsible one. The rewards for being a ‘good girl’ can take us winding along people pleasing trails or the attention for being a ‘badass girl’ can also lead us down destructive backroads. I have ventured down both pathways in my 50 years of life thus far. I am human. My relational interactions with family, friends and vocation has forced me to look hard and deep within myself as to what truly is my responsibility or calling as compared to duty or a facade.

   Dr Henry Cloud has a fabulous podcast on boundaries, and in one of his episodes “The Clarity of Your Calling”, he interviewed Dr. Dan Allender, who I admire deeply for his innovative work with trauma and abuse therapy. He also helps others with story work and gets to the heart of the matter. He shares the importance of knowing our calling and how that relates to boundaries and responsibility:

 “When we know our calling, it gives us clarity as to why we're doing what we're doing. Forming boundaries can start in many different ways, but getting clarity about your motives is a very natural way to form your first boundary. It helps you know what you'll do and won't do, what you'll say and won't say.”

    As a young mom, I had a profound faith experience in the mid 90’s.  My zealous, visionary,  ‘take on the world’ nature then helped to launch numerous organizations in Saskatoon over the next 20 years. This also led to bouts of compassion fatigue, vicarious trauma and I was triggered in many ways.  I needed to address my tendency towards burnout and to look at the root of the matter. I realized that I lacked clear boundaries with my life and needed to make changes for holistic restoration to take root, to go from my head to my heart which affects my whole being. 

World renowned speaker, Dr. Caroline Leaf , who spoke at a conference I hosted in Saskatoon, addresses this tendency:

“Over caring and over responsibility is a trauma response and often comes from a place of wanting to control the uncontrollable (the past or future outcomes). Remember, you are NOT responsible for everyone, their emotions, and all outcomes. Give yourself permission to rest, let go of what is not yours to carry, and set boundaries.”

 Rest.  Let go.  Grace.

  I have a calling as a woman, as a wife,  a mom, a  friend, a community activist. This is going to look different in each passing season, no doubt. Thanks to great mentors in my life, good friends and my faith that I cling to, my discernment process begins with living my life to an audience of “One”. I will “ guard my heart above all else” as the Proverb says, as it is the “wellspring of life”. Being responsible also involves taking ownership, reflecting on the past, learning from mistakes and recalibrating for the future. I have been on a journey to restoration that is addressing not just parts of me, but all of me: spirit- soul- body.  Burnout can teach our heart lessons that will clarify our calling if we allow grace to lead the way.  What I am learning in life is that each relationship requires a unique set of boundaries. Each task, or responsibility beckons us to ask ourselves if we need to tighten our boundaries and say a clear “no”, or widen our boundaries and say a full on “yes”. When we do, our calling is sharpened and our responsibilities become more evident. When we make peace with our pathway, we can hear that still small voice within call us to that unique journey crafted just for us- doing nothing more, nothing less.