How to Keep Your Heart on While at Work

I remember one particular employee of mine who went through a bad break-up. I”ll never forget the day I walked through the backdoor of my shop to hear wailing sobs crashing, reverberating through the store.

I thought what the $%^& is caught in a trap and how did it get in here???  

Stunned, I realized it was my staff member crying while she was sitting waiting for customers who could enter the shop at any moment.

Ok, what do you do when you know you have employees, co-workers, perhaps even managers who are in distress? They may not all appear as obvious as this young lady but when we work with humans you will have to deal with their humanity.

Empathy comes from the Greek word meaning “in” and “feeling”  which means you are in the feeling of the other.  

Dr. Henry Cloud talks about exceptional leadership requiring emotional connection, boundaries and listening to communicate understanding.

Let’s break that down. Emotional connection requires…you guessed it emotions. You have to be in a position where you can hold space for someone because you allow yourself to FEEL.  Being in touch with your feelings is a positive. If you’re like me,  you’ve spent a majority of your life trying to pretend that you had no feelings. Our patriarchal society tries to tell us that to feel is weak and has no place in our work environment. Actually, maybe it’s not just the patriarchy but also messages we’ve received as little girls.  There is a difference between feeling and sharing our feelings. This is not a competition, nor is it a time for you to bring up all the ways you have been hurt, suffered or rejected.  Sharing your deepest, darkest secrets is reserved for those special friends on a Friday night in the dark with your eyes closed. 

This brings me to the next point of boundaries. When you have firm boundaries in place for yourself, you will not lose yourself in the other person’s emotions. You can empathize while recognizing it is not your responsibility to carry their pain. If you are the employer, this is knowing what you will or will not allow or where your line in the sand is, otherwise known as boundaries. This can be tough when you want to extend empathy while maintaining a professional environment.

How well do you listen? Does the person feel heard? Repeat back to them what they have told you in your own  words. Make sure they feel understood. Listening is an underrated skill. There is a lot of talking going on in our society  and very little listening so be that person who can just sit and listen.

So what happened to the wailing staff member? I went out into the shop where she quickly tried to pretend like everything was fine. I asked to speak with her and we sat down across from each other. I asked her how she was doing. She started crying and told me about the pain she just couldn’t seem to get out from under due to this break-up. I listened, nodded and asked a few questions. We talked about how it was impacting her work. I asked her if  she felt she could interact with the clients in the capacity the job required. She did not feel she could. We decided together that she would take a week off and go back to her hometown to get support from her family. We talked about counselling and what that might look like with her schedule. 

She left that day and I worked the rest of her shift. I can tell you similar scenarios happened many times with employees. Sometimes I handled them really well,  sometimes not so much. I got better with experience and as my self-awareness grew. The hardest thing for me to learn was boundaries and not taking on other peoples’ responsibilities. I think as an employer that can be really hard to figure out. We often decide it’s easier to just shut off, that's the signals we get from the media, bosses, and society in general. There’s no room for your personal life at work. (Eyebrow raise) So now we’re robots? That’s BS. 

Good leaders  keep their hearts on with eyes open and hands off.