A letter to my white friends, by Taheera Fidaali
Taheera wrote a letter and shared it with me today. I asked her if I could share it as a blog post on The Well. Graciously she said yes. You’ll notice it’s written from her heart straight to her friend’s hearts.
Dear white friend,
I want to start by saying that this letter is not meant to take attention away from the issues around racism towards black people. I acknowledge that my experiences as someone with brown skin are nowhere near the pain felt by people with black skin. However, It's June 2020 and everyone is talking about racism and white privilege. You have most likely posted something on social media about anti-racism to pledge your allegiance with the people who identify as BIPOC. I'm therefore writing this letter to you because I desperately want to hold your hand on this journey to help you discover and work through your white privilege and allow you to really become an ally in the right way. As your friend, I can't be silent and watch you learn about white privilege without sharing my own experiences of how it has showed up in my life. My hopes are that through this letter, our connection will grow stronger. I know in your heart you are hurting and want to make right with the world. Please know that parts of this letter may sound harsh or uncomfortable, but it is written with deep love. Sometimes we need to say and do hard things to learn and grow. Racism is not pretty, and so I can't write this letter and sound pleasant. Also know that though I have included you, it does not necessarily mean that you have done or said any/all of the things I am about to share. Consider this part of your education as a white friend, to be a listening ear as I dive into my identity and share my story as a person of colour living in a white world.
I know there are so many mixed messages right now on how to do the right thing. How to take responsibility for your white privilege, without putting the burden on non-white people to educate and tell you what to do. But for me personally, I don't want you to talk about me like I'm not in the room. It feels dismissive if you are talking about doing your work on white privilege without asking me how it has affected my life. It also makes me uncomfortable if you are only doing the work 'online'. The work needs to start 'offline'. So I am asking you to shut up and listen. Sometimes white privilege has showed up in my life as people who talk and talk and talk because as a white person, they have never had to face consequences for anything they say. They say things that can be completely insensitive to people around them who have different lived experiences, and are completely unaware of this. So I am asking you to stop talking and just listen. Ask questions and learn about what it's like to be non-white. We have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak. Hell, for the next year, maybe commit to only asking questions. Also, do not always have a story ready to try and relate others' experiences. Because you can't relate to their experience. Sometimes, it's best to acknowledge someone's story with total silence. If silence is uncomfortable for you, do some work around it. Meditate. When we are silent, we are actually listening and understanding.
Here is a podcast to help you become a better listener:
On Purpose by Jay Shetty.
4 communication mistakes that hurt relationships and 4 ways to fix it forever.
As you all know, I am an immigrant. My parents immigrated to Canada when I was 9 months, and my whole life has been one big identity crisis. Not Indian enough for Indian people, but not white enough for white people (duh!). I have mostly hidden this struggle and battled with it internally. You probably know a version of me that acts white enough for you. This is not your fault, but I am just beginning to explain the struggles of people of colour. That sometimes we abandon our ethnicity, culture, beliefs and values to fit into the western world. To be liked. To be seen and heard. I'm learning that I need to rediscover who I really am, what kind of person I want to be and how I want my culture to show up in my family. I would appreciate your understanding and love as I figure this out, and to no longer use labels or to comment on my 'brown-ness' or 'white-ness'.
A lot of the pain I struggled with as a person of colour was during my childhood. I can't change the past, but I can help shape the future of our children. This is so healing for me.
Many of you are parents who want to ensure your kids are full of empathy and anti-racism. So here are some ideas from my lived experiences. Your kids will have peers, classmates, friends who are immigrants. Understand where immigrant parents are coming from when they are hesitant to allow their children the same liberties you allow your children. Know that they want the very best for her child, just as you do. But that everything is new for them, and sometimes fear is more amplified when we are in a new environment. But please, continue to encourage these friendships because they are just as beautiful. They will allow your child to grow and learn about the world. Make sure you children encourage their immigrant friends to embrace their culture, instead of hiding it away. Teach your kids to be curious about their friends, about their beliefs, their traditions and their food. This is how our community will flourish.
My mum shared with me recently how as an immigrant, she struggled to relate to the other moms around her. Keep this at the forefront at your mind during pick-up and drop-off. That immigrant mother is not stand-offish, she doesn't think she is better than you. She might want to desperately connect, but does not know how. Help her. Use your white privilege and your ability to be comfortable in your environment to cultivate relationships with people who don't look like you and might not feel confident enough to approach you.
You all know that I never shy away from hard work, but if you think you could never work as hard as me, think of this as your white privilege. For me to achieve any of my dreams and goals, I have had to work twice as hard as a white person to be seen, heard and trusted. I now pass the torch to you. Do your work on breaking down systems that encourage racism and white privilege. Work your butt off to ensure that we no longer live in a world where my children have less privilege because of the colour of their skin.
My last rant is about the corporate world. At my last corporate job, I became a poster child for the company's diversity and inclusion (D&I) program. But at the end of the day, when it came down to promoting me and compensating me accordingly, I was dealt a shorthand. I know that I would have made it to higher ranks quicker and I would have been paid more if I was a white male. And I'm no longer afraid to say it. Companies can't go on denying it any longer, when there is clear data to show gender and racial pay gaps. We can see that there is a glass ceiling for non-whites. This is white privilege.
For those of you who are business owners, or in the corporate world. Be careful not to 'tokenize' people of colour. Before you ask POC to show up for you on your D&I posters, ask yourself, how are you showing up for them? Are you willing to take a chance on them and allow them to reach their full potential? Are you really willing to put yourself on the line for them? Are you willing to compensate them appropriately to close gender and racial pay gaps? Because if you aren't, then to hell with your D&I program as a promotional tool that increases your profits. The real work starts when we are willing to accept the mess and discomfort that often comes with diversity, because it's the damn right thing to do. Please, do not create development plans for your diverse workforce for them to fit the mold of a white male manager. This is just one style of management. The fact is, management can come in all sizes, genders and colours. Companies who truly embrace this, enjoy higher profits. If you don't believe me, google it.
Thank you for reading this letter with open eyes and ears. I have shared what I need to and I feel so much lighter. If you want to discuss any of the above, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I acknowledge that we all have work to do. I hope this letter allows you to see that we can walk together on this path, because at the end of the day we all want to create the same future.
I'll end with this Rumi poem which is really speaking to me in this season.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.
With love and gratitude.
Taheera Fidaali
ACCOUNTANT & BUSINESS CONSULTANT
Website www.tulacpa.com
Email taheera@tulacpa.com
